Writing and Roleplay

Well, I've gotten bitten by the roleplay bug again. It was a solid hobby of mine for about a decade, starting in the mid-90s until about the mid-2000s. In college I was introduced to MUSHes -- shared text-based online games that were like being inside a novel with a host of other characters and writing it all as you went. I was hooked immediately. So much so that I eventually created my own game, which ran for four years and attracted players from all over the globe. I still have many fond memories of that time.

But gradually, life happened and I drifted away. I missed the collaborative nature of that kind of writing, though. Roleplaying was set up to where you'd operate your character, and the other player would operate theirs, and you'd volley back and forth. Like being in a novel where you're writing half the action. I didn't have time to dedicate to the games anymore, but I missed the immediate gratification of writing with a partner, so recently I discovered Reddit forums like Roleplay and Write With Me where folks could advertise for writing partners. There are even some dedicated sites like Barbermonger with more of the same.

So it wasn't long before I answered a few ads and posted some of my own, and found myself dipping back into that old pasttime. Except now there's even more freedom to it -- you're not tethered to a specific game or theme. You can just make up whatever storyline you want and dive right in. There's a whole wealth of possibilities at your fingertips!

I'm like a kid in a candy-store. Goggle-eyed and greedy at all the rich variety. Of course, there are downsides. Not many of these potential storylines "stick." Typically you'll exchange a few e-mails with a prospective partner and start brainstorming characters and scenarios, but most of them seem to die on the vine before you even get to the writing part. Or, you might start and be truckin' along, only for the momentum to fizzle out, or they (or you) get busy with life and the storyline comes to a screeching halt.

Or sometimes you just don't mesh. Your writing styles differ, or your ways of collaborating don't quite click. I suppose as with any partnership, there are a million reasons why it might not work out. That seems to be just part of the gig, and I'm trying to just roll with it and not take anything personally.

When it does work out though, oh, then it's just intoxicating! Think of the most compelling novel you've ever read, and then imagine getting to read it only in tiny installments, a few paragraphs at a time. Then imagine that you've got to write half those paragraphs yourself. There's definite work involved -- it's a challenge. You've got to muster your creativity and try to keep up, hold up your end of the bargain. It takes two to tango, as they say. You've both got to be committed to keep it going forward.

So far, I've managed to find a couple of steady partners. At best, we'll manage maybe 3 or 4 updates a day. Maybe just 1 if we're busy. I find myself on tenterhooks, checking my e-mail frequently to see if there's a new post for me to read. If I can time it right, I'll save my response for work, so I have something creative to focus on in the wee hours of my overnight shift. It gives me something to look forward to. A little creative "oomph" when I'm burning the midnight oil.

It's a fun and familiar creative challenge that I'm enjoying. At the very least, it's getting me back in the habit of writing regularly, which is exactly what I was looking for. I even enjoy the process of brainstorming and coming up with characters and plotlines, even when over half of them don't seem to work out. I figure nothing's wasted. Maybe those ideas could pan out down the line, somewhere else. I can squirrel those characters and ideas away for some future story. Like a hoarder, never knowing when something could come in handy. I'll just tuck those characters and stories away into my neverending cache of mental pockets and hope they might one day bear fruit.

So yeah, that's what I've been up to lately. Getting my writing on through roleplay!

Putting it Out There

I haven't had much time to write lately. Lots of drama at the job. Which, since no one really reads this, I can probably admit that I work at a shelter as the overnight advocate. It's a relatively recent position -- less than a month, although before that I was the driver. Whole new change of pace and career shift for me, as I'd never really considered getting into social work before, but now I find that it gives me a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

But it's also really hard and challenging. There's so much I don't know and am working on figuring out. I want to expand my skills at de-escalation, mediation, counseling, and helping people through tough situations. Of course, many of them have ingrained patterns of reacting with anger, violence, passive aggression, pettiness, and distrust. Some of them are dealing with mental health issues as well. So far this month, I've had to try and break up 3 fights; 2 in which the cops were called. It's draining both mentally and emotionally. When I applied for this position, I had to commit to a year. I really hope I can make it that long.

But I'm determined to do my best. I've been reading up on Non-Violent Communication; I've taken trainings and workshops, I ask the staff for their advice and counsel. I'm trying to get more tools in my proverbial tool-belt so I can handle these situations better. I just wish I could fast-forward a year, or 3, or 5, to where I'm really good at what I do. It's going to take time and I'm not always patient with myself.

Another part of me is convinced that there are other skills I could be teaching. I get so focused on trying to do little activities for the clients, like meditation, self-care, dance, and fitness. I want to encourage them to practice gratitude, to indulge their creative sides, to try bonding and team-building exercises as a way to defuse the tension that seems inherent in throwing a bunch of strangers (most of whom are stressed out already) in close quarters together and expecting them all to get along.

I feel like encouraging them to try these little practices every day could help alleviate some of the stress. That it could prompt the beginnings of healthier habits, self-care, and mindfulness. I know it's worked for me and I want to share that. I know I can't "fix" anyone, but maybe I can guide them along with baby steps toward changing ingrained patterns into something more positive.

But it's tough. The staff here, while I like most of them, seem burned out and disinterested in such ideas and improvements. Many of them are working second jobs, so I can't imagine they have the energy to pour into this one. Which is discouraging, because the turnover rate is high, morale is low, and sometimes it feels like this whole place is just held together with duct tape and a shoestring budget. I keep trying to build momentum but end up getting discouraged and frustrated myself.

But I'm not giving up. I like to think that there's a reason I found my way to this job. Or rather, that the universe put me here for a reason. That maybe I can do some good. Just by trying, just by being me, by bringing my sensibilities and values to this workplace and hopefully, slowly and subtly, bringing about some change.

Because it could be so much more. We're sheltering people from harm and providing them a safe haven. It's only short-term, yes, and we have limited resources, but maybe we could at least expose them to new ways of doing things, new ways of thinking, new practices that they can take with them when they go. That's my goal, at any rate.

I just need to try to stick to that, focus on ways of introducing self-care, meditation, creativity, connection, and gratitude to this space. Maybe over time, I can bring about some changes. I don't want to get too daunted by the overwhelming sense of inertia and indifference that seems to permeate this place. I don't want to let that snuff out my optimism and determination. I want to swim toward a goal rather than tread water.

That is my intention. I'm writing it here so I can put it out into the universe. These are my goals; this is what I'm striving toward, and I want to remain true to my purpose.

Any help along the way would be much appreciated!

Baby Steps

Might as well try to keep the writing thing going, here in a blog that no one reads! It's a good habit to maintain, if nothing else.

I'm here at work, trying to keep busy at 2 am. Alone with my thoughts and wired on coffee. The daytime sleeping thing is still a challenge. I've got blackout curtains, a sleep mask, various herbal supplements like melatonin, Valerian root, CBD oil, and a Headspace app on my phone that plays soothing, ambient tones. And yet, even with all that, it's a challenge to sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a stretch (if I'm lucky). I try to cat-nap while I'm at work in the wee hours, just since I figure I might as well grab any sleep when I can, but are those late-night "naps" interfering with my "real" sleep? Ugh, I don't know. It's only week two, and I know it'll take time, but I'm eager to establish a regular schedule. I don't want the rest of my life to suffer due to lack of sleep, which I understand is essential for mental/emotional well-being. But there's nothing to do but wait and see how it all plays out.

I've been reading more. Checking out lots of books from the library lately. Gone through four of Liane Moriarty's novels already, and got another one on hold. Maybe I ought to intersperse her more with other authors, but when I get obsessed (such as with food), the obsession is ALL I want and nothing else will do.

But maybe reading is just an excuse to avoid writing. So much easier to read someone else's words than try to put down my own. I tell myself that I'm soaking up inspiration, but maybe the real truth is that I'm just procrastinating.

Still, baby steps and all. If I try to write something each shift, even just a blog entry that no one'll read, it's a start. Gotta try to look at the positive and not beat myself up too much.

Maybe I'll open up one of my various works-in-progress and stare at it for a while and hope inspiration comes.

Or I'll just read something.

Time Enough at Last

I recently transitioned to a new position at my job -- doing overnights. Which is a bit of an adjustment, to say the least, and may be challenging for the first few weeks. Hell, the first few days. I think I've gotten about 3 hours of sleep in the last 36 hours, and I still have to get through tonight and tomorrow's shifts and hope that I can find some sleep somewhere along the way. I'm cursed with being a ridiculously light sleeper, and napping during the day has never been my forté. 

But still, I asked for this. I chose this path, knowing it would be challenging. I had a host of reasons, but deep down one of my personal goals was to use the time to write more. Figured I might as well start with the occasional blog entry. Baby steps, and all.

Ironically enough, ever since I started at this job back in February, I've put exactly 0 time toward my jewelry-making hobby. Maybe I was burned out, or maybe it was just high time I switched out one creative pursuit for another. But in any case, I haven't had the energy or inclination to pick up my jewelry tools in the last 8 months. It's like the switch just got flipped off.

I do miss having some sort of creative outlet, though. Which is why I'm hoping to jumpstart the writing again. I dabbled in a project with a friend, revisiting one of our old shared-hallucination settings, but that fizzled out after a few months. As they so often do. I keep thinking that the key lies in finding a writing buddy, but even when I'm successful, the projects eventually peter out. I'm left wondering how to sustain it. How do I keep the writing going? Sheer force of will?

At least I've got the time. Buckets of (mostly) uninterrupted time to write and fill the wee hours. It's why I chose this gig. A gift to myself, or a kick in the pants, depending on how I want to look at it. Maybe both. If I can keep trucking away, a little at a time, then surely the sacrifice of sleep will be worth it?

That's what I'm telling myself anyway. I made myself time to do something I want to do. Now I just gotta do it.

Words on a Page

Words create our reality. That is why they are so powerful. The words we tell ourselves forge who we become. We manifest our own destiny.

Perhaps this is why I shy away from words. I’ve been avoiding their power. But maybe it is time I step into mine. Through words.

I write to bolster myself. And to bolster others. In a way, they are one and the same. I find that the words I say to others are often the ones I need to hear.

There is a vein of gold in words, a chord that strikes. I’m drawn to the rhythm and the flow. Words are like a dance. They move and pause, rise and fall, find a pattern all their own.

They can be a meditation. A benediction. A prayer. A spell. A prophesy. We can create an entire fantasy with words. We can be the heroes of our own tale.

Better yet, we can write the tale.

How will you write yours?

In the Hole

I was watching a show the other night, and there was a scene where several women were imprisoned in a hole. There was a shot from above and I could see them all arrayed around the perimeter, like they were in a big, deep well. The main character was trying to get out, and her friend started bemoaning the fact that they never would. My mind launched off at that point, as it often does when I’m watching late-night Netflix after having smoked a nice green bowl, and I started problem-solving the women’s plight.

When I was a kid, I had a friend with a big, four-story house that included a laundry chute that connected from floor to floor. So one time when he and my brother and I we were playing hide and seek, I hid in the laundry chute with my back braced against one wall and my feet on the other, so I could inch down between the floors. Incidentally, it was the best hiding spot ever and no one ever found me!

I remembered that and wondered if it could work for these women. What if they all linked arms and used each other’s legs and feet to push off of, and kinda inched their way up, out of the hole? If they could use each other as a literal support network?

It became such a firm image in my mind that I really wanted the show to go there -- to have  these women triumph and free themselves. Of course it didn’t. They were eventually rescued by a man. Naturally, because that’s always what happens.

But I was really taken with my idea, and it became a metaphor in my head for feminism in general. I absolutely believe that male allies are crucial, and I feel incredibly fortunate to have so many amazing men in my life (not the least of whom is the one I married!), but I feel like the key lies in each other. The other women in the hole. We’re all down there, and only we can get out of it, but we all have to work together. We have to use each other’s strength and determination as we link arms, brace ourselves, and lift each other up.

Use Your Voice

I've had an epiphany. Partly it was reading the book, Pussy: A Reclamation, by Regena Thomashauer, but that was really just the final grain of sand that tipped the scales. The book encapsulated so many of the things I'd been thinking, suspecting, discovering -- about sex and sensuality, about wanting to forge a sisterhood, about how we're strongest when we're lifting each other up and supporting one another. It inspired me, and somehow flipped a switch, deep down. I don't want to waste time with fear and insecurity anymore. I don't want to let limitations hold me back. I want to see beauty and opportunity everywhere, I want to be bold and optimistic. I want to quit living small. I want to shine.

And part of that means speaking up. Making myself heard. I have a voice. But somehow over the years, I just stopped using it. I stopped writing. I used to write blog entries, stories, roleplay scenes -- endless, endless roleplay scenes, back in my MUSH days. Back then, writing and communication were a key component in my daily life, but gradually that shifted, and I want to get that back. I have things to say. Opinions, advice, beliefs, ideas. They're worth saying. I may not be right all the time, and sometimes what I want to say may not be fully formed yet, but that's okay. It's part of the process. The main thing is to just get it out. Speak up. Be heard. Even when you're not sure if anyone's listening.

So this is part of my newfound intention to write again. I've got a blog, so I might as well use it. And what I want to do goes so much beyond just making jewelry. I want to create beauty. I want to forge connections. I want to curate events and experiences. I want to lift up other women, other individuals who've been beaten down and had their light dimmed by life. I want to say no, you are worthy, you are beautiful, you are powerful, you can shine. I want to ignite all the gorgeous souls around me, one candle flame to another. I want to call in my sisterhood. Like calling the bannermen to war, except this battle is not about conquest or killing. It's about love, connection, vulnerability, healing. Ignite your sisterhood, so that they can ignite theirs, and theirs, and so on -- all these overlapping circles, neverending, connecting us all together. Just imagine if we were all lit up? How bright would we shine?

Together we can light up the world. I'm feeling the call. Who else is with me?