Putting it Out There

I haven't had much time to write lately. Lots of drama at the job. Which, since no one really reads this, I can probably admit that I work at a shelter as the overnight advocate. It's a relatively recent position -- less than a month, although before that I was the driver. Whole new change of pace and career shift for me, as I'd never really considered getting into social work before, but now I find that it gives me a sense of purpose and fulfillment.

But it's also really hard and challenging. There's so much I don't know and am working on figuring out. I want to expand my skills at de-escalation, mediation, counseling, and helping people through tough situations. Of course, many of them have ingrained patterns of reacting with anger, violence, passive aggression, pettiness, and distrust. Some of them are dealing with mental health issues as well. So far this month, I've had to try and break up 3 fights; 2 in which the cops were called. It's draining both mentally and emotionally. When I applied for this position, I had to commit to a year. I really hope I can make it that long.

But I'm determined to do my best. I've been reading up on Non-Violent Communication; I've taken trainings and workshops, I ask the staff for their advice and counsel. I'm trying to get more tools in my proverbial tool-belt so I can handle these situations better. I just wish I could fast-forward a year, or 3, or 5, to where I'm really good at what I do. It's going to take time and I'm not always patient with myself.

Another part of me is convinced that there are other skills I could be teaching. I get so focused on trying to do little activities for the clients, like meditation, self-care, dance, and fitness. I want to encourage them to practice gratitude, to indulge their creative sides, to try bonding and team-building exercises as a way to defuse the tension that seems inherent in throwing a bunch of strangers (most of whom are stressed out already) in close quarters together and expecting them all to get along.

I feel like encouraging them to try these little practices every day could help alleviate some of the stress. That it could prompt the beginnings of healthier habits, self-care, and mindfulness. I know it's worked for me and I want to share that. I know I can't "fix" anyone, but maybe I can guide them along with baby steps toward changing ingrained patterns into something more positive.

But it's tough. The staff here, while I like most of them, seem burned out and disinterested in such ideas and improvements. Many of them are working second jobs, so I can't imagine they have the energy to pour into this one. Which is discouraging, because the turnover rate is high, morale is low, and sometimes it feels like this whole place is just held together with duct tape and a shoestring budget. I keep trying to build momentum but end up getting discouraged and frustrated myself.

But I'm not giving up. I like to think that there's a reason I found my way to this job. Or rather, that the universe put me here for a reason. That maybe I can do some good. Just by trying, just by being me, by bringing my sensibilities and values to this workplace and hopefully, slowly and subtly, bringing about some change.

Because it could be so much more. We're sheltering people from harm and providing them a safe haven. It's only short-term, yes, and we have limited resources, but maybe we could at least expose them to new ways of doing things, new ways of thinking, new practices that they can take with them when they go. That's my goal, at any rate.

I just need to try to stick to that, focus on ways of introducing self-care, meditation, creativity, connection, and gratitude to this space. Maybe over time, I can bring about some changes. I don't want to get too daunted by the overwhelming sense of inertia and indifference that seems to permeate this place. I don't want to let that snuff out my optimism and determination. I want to swim toward a goal rather than tread water.

That is my intention. I'm writing it here so I can put it out into the universe. These are my goals; this is what I'm striving toward, and I want to remain true to my purpose.

Any help along the way would be much appreciated!

Baby Steps

Might as well try to keep the writing thing going, here in a blog that no one reads! It's a good habit to maintain, if nothing else.

I'm here at work, trying to keep busy at 2 am. Alone with my thoughts and wired on coffee. The daytime sleeping thing is still a challenge. I've got blackout curtains, a sleep mask, various herbal supplements like melatonin, Valerian root, CBD oil, and a Headspace app on my phone that plays soothing, ambient tones. And yet, even with all that, it's a challenge to sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a stretch (if I'm lucky). I try to cat-nap while I'm at work in the wee hours, just since I figure I might as well grab any sleep when I can, but are those late-night "naps" interfering with my "real" sleep? Ugh, I don't know. It's only week two, and I know it'll take time, but I'm eager to establish a regular schedule. I don't want the rest of my life to suffer due to lack of sleep, which I understand is essential for mental/emotional well-being. But there's nothing to do but wait and see how it all plays out.

I've been reading more. Checking out lots of books from the library lately. Gone through four of Liane Moriarty's novels already, and got another one on hold. Maybe I ought to intersperse her more with other authors, but when I get obsessed (such as with food), the obsession is ALL I want and nothing else will do.

But maybe reading is just an excuse to avoid writing. So much easier to read someone else's words than try to put down my own. I tell myself that I'm soaking up inspiration, but maybe the real truth is that I'm just procrastinating.

Still, baby steps and all. If I try to write something each shift, even just a blog entry that no one'll read, it's a start. Gotta try to look at the positive and not beat myself up too much.

Maybe I'll open up one of my various works-in-progress and stare at it for a while and hope inspiration comes.

Or I'll just read something.

Time Enough at Last

I recently transitioned to a new position at my job -- doing overnights. Which is a bit of an adjustment, to say the least, and may be challenging for the first few weeks. Hell, the first few days. I think I've gotten about 3 hours of sleep in the last 36 hours, and I still have to get through tonight and tomorrow's shifts and hope that I can find some sleep somewhere along the way. I'm cursed with being a ridiculously light sleeper, and napping during the day has never been my forté. 

But still, I asked for this. I chose this path, knowing it would be challenging. I had a host of reasons, but deep down one of my personal goals was to use the time to write more. Figured I might as well start with the occasional blog entry. Baby steps, and all.

Ironically enough, ever since I started at this job back in February, I've put exactly 0 time toward my jewelry-making hobby. Maybe I was burned out, or maybe it was just high time I switched out one creative pursuit for another. But in any case, I haven't had the energy or inclination to pick up my jewelry tools in the last 8 months. It's like the switch just got flipped off.

I do miss having some sort of creative outlet, though. Which is why I'm hoping to jumpstart the writing again. I dabbled in a project with a friend, revisiting one of our old shared-hallucination settings, but that fizzled out after a few months. As they so often do. I keep thinking that the key lies in finding a writing buddy, but even when I'm successful, the projects eventually peter out. I'm left wondering how to sustain it. How do I keep the writing going? Sheer force of will?

At least I've got the time. Buckets of (mostly) uninterrupted time to write and fill the wee hours. It's why I chose this gig. A gift to myself, or a kick in the pants, depending on how I want to look at it. Maybe both. If I can keep trucking away, a little at a time, then surely the sacrifice of sleep will be worth it?

That's what I'm telling myself anyway. I made myself time to do something I want to do. Now I just gotta do it.